I AM therefore I AM

2. Aug, 2013

They sat and sipped and spoke of me
But it was clear they did not see
That I could hear and I could feel
As they continued with their spiel

‘You know it’s best; You cannot cope
She wanders off and will elope
Across the road and will get hurt
You cannot always be alert’

Inside I scream ‘I’m the She’
Is this a dream? I want to flee
As far away as I can be
To some place where I am still me.

I waited placement like a book
My family all went round to look
No-one noticed how much fear
I had as placement time came near

My little home I loved so much
My maggie that I loved to touch
The garden and the peaceful walks
The neighbours and our little talks

All gone now as I arrive
Into a room that is a hive
Of movement, noise and constant chatter
I get the feel that I don’t matter

All questions going to my son
They chat like I’m not anyone
Where is MY choice
Where is MY voice
It lets me down these days
I want to speak
I need a leak
But the words don’t form a phrase

They grab a mop and clean the floor
They rouse on the me that is no more
‘Tell us when you want to go’
‘Now stop that fuss – don’t make a show’!
Dignity’s gone out that door
It does not matter anymore

The meals are served on plastic plates
Just like a picnic with your mates
I try to say I like a wine
But the voice and words – they are not mine.

I throw the cup down on the mat
Maybe it’ll wash off where he spat
Surely they will come to see
I do not want their bloody tea

But no – they rouse then clean it up
And kindly pour another cup
I wish they’d look at what I said
I am I Am ;I am not dead.

They try to make me walk each day
I scream and wince but they just say
‘Come on sweetie you have to walk’
They don’t look at me just talk, talk talk.

Now you have to have a little rest
Don’t get up – it’s for the best
They rail me in like a restless horse
And warn me not to climb of course

I want a choice – listen to me
Not with your ears but can’t you see
I am speaking to you with my eyes
With my smile or frown or little crys
I am in pain my resistance screams
What I like is clear cos my face just beams
I could not lie My dad would say
My expressive face gave me away

Connect right now and read my face book
Every page is worth a brief look
It’s taken years to write each page
You will understand if you reach my age
Italics tell you what I want
What I hate is penned in a bigger font
Broadway captures happy mood
Algerian bold shouts ‘hate this food’

Don’t say I don’t know what I want
Read my pages and see the font
My choices are an open book
BUT first you have to take a look

‘I think therefore I am’ a mind and body split
To me I am a whole and that just does not fit!
If you think I don’t think you may think I am not
It is true there is much that I have forgot
But my thoughts and my feelings tell you what I need
To my need driven behavior you just must pay heed

Think of the silence and looks between lovers
The rocking that speaks between infants and mothers
We all knew the look that said ‘You have been bad’
No words were required between daughter and Dad

Bereavement may call for a hug and no words
The raising of eyebrows says you’ve been absurd
A second is all that it takes to deduce
The present you bought will never have use
Just think of the antics of Mr Bean
Speaking is never a part of his scene
Of what he is thinking no-one’s in doubt
His facial expressions say what he’s about
So do not dismisss me and all that I’ve been
Ponder my pages and learn what I’ve seen
The fact that I don’t speak in sentences now
Means we have to develop a language somehow
Enriched by the sensory, expression can be
Freed for example from CALD boundaries.
So study the lines and how they express
My sadness, my pain and my happiness
See past all the vocals I know don’t make sense
The potential connection is far more immense
Thinking is not the sum total of me
I would argue ‘I am therefore I am’ So PLEASE connect with me and help me to BE

Rhonda Nay